Working with Grief and Loss

“Everyone dies in the middle of a conversation.
Part of the healing is to finish the dialogue.” -- Anne Brenner, LCSW

Much has been written about the stages of grief. What I find particularly
useful are the Tasks of Mourning, compiled by Michael Worden.

They are:
Accept the reality of the loss. When someone dies, even when expected, there’s always a sense that it hasn’t happened. The first task is to come full face with the reality that the person is gone and will not return; reunion is impossible, at least in this life. It’s normal after a death to hope for reunion, that the deceased is not really gone. Usually, this is short-lived.
To support clients in this task, I focus on listening deeply to their story of grief and loss. My responsibility is to receive their story. They may need to tell and retell it. Metaphoric language is common and working with the metaphors and symbols oftentimes provides relief and comfort. Expressive arts modalities may be useful during this phase.

Experience the pain of grief. Our society discourages expression of mourning, so there’s a tendency to short-circuit this task. Anything that continually allows one to avoid or suppress the pain of grieving can be expected to prolong the course of mourning. Avoiding reminders of the dead, idealizing the dead, or minimizing the meaning of the loss are ways to avoid painful feelings.
In therapy, I encourage and support clients working through their feelings of grief and loss. “Finishing the conversation”, as mentioned in the above quote, can be very helpful. Many methods for completing this task are available, including writing exercises, expressive therapy experiences, sand tray work and direct “dialogue”. My responsibility in this task is to bear witness to and validate their feelings of loss and any related feelings they may have. Family and friends often urge them to “move on”, “get over it”, “stop dwelling on the past”, etc. It is important for me to support the client’s process and allow it to unfold.

Adjust to an environment in which the deceased is missing. The survivor is usually not aware of all the roles played by the deceased until after the loss occurs. With loss of a parent, roles shift within the family; relationships to surviving parent and siblings may realign, intensify or rigidify as adjustments to the loss.
This is a time when family therapy, couples therapy and/or a support group may be helpful. The day-to-day practical issues regarding new responsibilities may bring on anxiety, guilt, anger, resentment, sadness and depression, as clients attempt to adjust to their loss. It is important for me to remind clients that grieving is a normal and natural response to loss. Although painful, it often is a significant life event and can be a transforming experience.

Withdraw emotional energy and reinvest into life and the living. Freud said, “Mourning has a quite precise psychical task to perform: its function is to detach the survivors’ memories and hopes from the dead.” There may be a fear that to withdraw emotional attachment is somehow dishonoring the memory of the deceased.
I have found that finding meaning in ritual is an effective way of both honoring the deceased’s memory and letting go. Creating a meaningful memorial service, honoring loved ones at designated times during the year, planting a tree or flowering bush, etc., are some of the ways that have been helpful.
Successfully completing the grieving process means managing your grief, growing from it, observing it, learning from it and moving forward with whatever your “new normal” is going to be. Whatever it is, it should honor and include your memories, your experiences, and your relationships, past, present and future.