Therapy with Couples
“For one
human being to love another: that is perhaps the most difficult
of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for
which
all other work is but preparation.” -- Rainer Maria Rilke
There are three basic reasons couples begin a therapy process:
- Things are “okay”
but something feels missing and they’d like
their relationship to improve and be great. - Something feels broken and they want help fixing it.
- One or both of them are trying to figure out how to leave
It is important to
establish what the goals of the therapy are, so that the process will
be the most useful for the couple. Once the intentions of each partner
are established and understood, focus can move to the next step.
Couples in relationships, whether married, unmarried, same sex or opposite
sex, seek help for a variety of reasons and at different stages of their
relationship. Initially, they are often wanting to improve how they communicate
together, find better ways of dealing with disagreements and disputes,
experience more caring, fondness and loving feelings toward each other,
achieve a higher level of emotional and physical intimacy, and have a
greater understanding of their partner. Over time, issues related to sex,
money, jealousy, infidelity, parenting, illness, in-laws, or life transitions
may surface.
My approach in couples therapy entails helping the couple clarify individual
and shared goals, provide a safe forum for exploring feelings, thoughts
and concerns, and offer guidance, feedback, and resources. In addition,
I support and nurture an increased capacity for couples to listen, empathize,
validate and receive influence from their partner. We explore negative
interactional patterns that create distance and estrangement and work
toward changing the way couples relate to each other so that positive
aspects of their relationship can be expressed and felt. This often promotes
greater intimacy, trust and fondness toward one another.
I believe that components of a successful relationship include:
- Attraction and Chemistry
- Friendship and Fondness
- Acceptance
- Respect and Admiration
- Trust
- Shared Values
The
clients in couples’ therapy are not just the individuals. The third
component is the “We”
aspect of the relationship. While exploring difficulties and challenges,
I also work to build and expand the notion of a shared life and what that
may mean to the couple. John Gottman, PhD, describes it as “The
Sound Marital House”, beginning with a solid foundation of “fondness”.
I subscribe to that idea.